Too Stupid

Help:

"Help Line; may I help you?"

User:

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Help:

"What sort of trouble?"

User:

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Help:

"Went away?'

User:

"They disappeared."

Help:

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

User:

"Nothing."

Help:

"Nothing?"

User:

"It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."

Help:

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

User:

"How do I tell?"

Help:

"Can you see the 'C:' prompt on the screen?"

User:

"What's a sea-prompt?"

Help:

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

User:

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Help:

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

User:

"What's a monitor?"

Help:

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

User:

"I don't know."

Help:

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

User:

"Yes, I think so."

Help:

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

User:

"[pause] Yes, it is."

Help:

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

User:

"No."

Help:

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

User:

"[pause] Okay, here it is."

Help:

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

User:

"I can't reach."

Help:

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

User:

"No."

Help:

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

User:

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's because it's dark."

Help:

"Dark?"

User:

"Yes. The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Help:

"Well, turn on the office light then."

User:

"I can't."

Help:

"No? Why not?"

User:

"Because there's a power outage."

Help:

"A power [pause] A power outage? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

User:

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Help:

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

User:

"Really? Is it that bad?"

Help:

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

User:

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Help:

"Tell them you're too [insert expletive here] stupid to own a computer."